Not ashamed

Some Jehovah's Witnesses have been coming around every few days to chat religion. No contention or debating or anything- just exchanging ideas, probably to no real purpose other than strengthening each party's resolve in their own beliefs. Not sure if they think they are getting through to me or what, but in fact, each time after they leave I breathe a sigh of relief that I believe what I believe.
I know I whine about Mormon culture a lot (come on folks, we're pretty mockable), I try to disassociate myself from the typical "blind follower" mormon, I go out of my way to establish myself as an "atypical" mormon, I often follow the "spirit of the law" while purposefully disregarding the "letter of the law" (just to show I have my own reasons for obeying, I guess) but what it all comes down to is this: I love my religion. I mean, deeply love my religion. Not necessarily the organization or its policies, but the doctrine, I can't imagine living without.

I know that not all readers of my blog are mormon and they probably don't want to be preached at, and I'll try my hardest to not get preachy. I don't want to start some religious debate, though heaven knows I love discussing religion with people (hence me chatting so long with the JWs). I've just been feeling more and more lately like I need to make sure that my blog readers (both mormon and non-mormon) should know that despite any conflicting signals I may send, there are reasons why I will never leave Mormonism (I particularly want my family to know this). Also, for my own sake, and since this is sort of like a journal for me, I want to get in writing why 99% of my life revolves around my religion. I know it's long, but I put a lot of effort and thought into into writing it and honestly just don't know what I would cut out of it.

The JW's door approach (and really, I have nothing but respect for them, going door to door takes great faith and I hope/suspect they find joy in it) was to ask me if I worry about my child growing up in this sad world full of bad people or if I worry about "the great enemy" death. They wanted to bring a message of hope for me out of the Bible, but the only way that would effect me much is if I was feeling a little despair, and I'm not. I already know the Bible is full of hope. I think they were caught a bit off guard when I explained that I don't despair, I don't fear death or sorrow as anything more than a growing experience (unpleasant though they may be) that is part of God's plan.
They (the JWs) found scriptures that they interpret as saying death is not part of God's plan but rather a punishment for Adam and Eve, that death is some great enemy to mankind. They point to baby Daniel and say "surely you'd be sad if your baby died". Well yeah. Of course. I'm sad to leave him with a babysitter for 3 hours to go see a movie, of course I would be sad to be separated from him for the rest of my life. But that's all it is- a temporary separation. I know that we'd be together again, in the grand perspective our time apart would be short, and that he would have fulfilled a necessary part of the plan by simply coming here at all.

And that's the thing that ties me so deeply to mormonism: what we call the Plan of Salvation, something which is completely unique to Mormonism. The knowledge that I existed before I came here, that I chose to come here so I could learn and grow, gain a body and an eternal spouse (and family), that my overall goal is to become as much like Christ as I can. For this reason, I follow the Mormon "rules": not because I fear punishments or some black mark on my eternal report card (ha, like I ever cared about grades), not because of some sense of guilt (eh, who am I kidding, guilt does play into it at least a little:)) but because the "rules" just make sense considering my eternal goal of being Christ-like (compassionate, charitable, and -most important in my book- knowledgeable) and rearing an eternal loving family. With the knowledge and goals that I have, I would be betraying myself to turn away from the path I have chosen which has already given me so much happiness. For those without my knowledge, experiences, and goals, party on: I could never expect someone else to live by my standards when I know that it is only my experiences which make those standards (or rules) suit me so well.

The same scriptures the JWs had pointed to to show that death and trials are thing to mourn, I interpret very differently: they are things I would mourn if not for the fact I believe Jesus overcame those obstacles. With his resurrection, he gave me a way to overcome physical death, the separation of my spirit from my body. With his atonement, he gave me the ability to overcome spiritual death, or the separation of my spirit from God.
I don't think that God separates himself from us because we sin, I don't think he turns away like an angry parent who must see justice met- rather, I think that repentance and taking advantage of Christ's sacrifice for us is one more way for us to grow, one way for us to realign ourselves with our eternal goal.
I always think of the movie "What Dreams May Come". For those who haven't seen it, Robin Williams is in heaven, his wife commits suicide, and he has to go save her from hell. He's angry that God would "punish" his wife by sending her to hell, but when he finds her he sees that really, her imprisonment is her own doing: the only way to deal with the choices she made is to live in a state of self-punishment and half-reality. I would not be happy living with an omniscient father if I felt like I had not lived up to the potential both He and I know I have, especially considering the blessings and directions he has given to me specifically.

This is a perfect not-LDS example of my own understanding of sin/punishment: we are already so busy punishing ourselves when we do something against our better knowledge, God's punishment would hardly be necessary. God didn't set up this system of sin, guilt and repentance so that his justice could be met; he is merely giving us a way to "unpunish" ourselves, for us to know because of Christ's atoning sacrifice that we are deeply loved no matter what mistakes we make, and use our experience to move forward (perhaps a little wiser, a little humbler) rather than let it be a roadblock.

Whew, I know this is getting long. I wish I could wrap my beliefs in a nutshell and show it to the world in some beautiful packaging the world would have to accept- but then, what would be the point? Coming to the knowledge of the truth is an important part of the process. And what "truth" works for me may not be the truth that best suits others right now, with everyone at their own point in an eternal progression.

Heck, there are a billion things God could do to make the LDS church more marketable. Change the name for one- "The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints"- it's like we WANT people to think we're self-righteous and out of touch with reality;).
No, I think that the church on earth is a human organization, meant and decorated for mortals, and that we need to realize that what the world thinks and what the world wants just doesn't matter- it's all about individuals asking questions, finding answers and growing into understanding. Yes, if I were somehow in charge of the mormon religion there are many things I would change. That's probably why I'm not in charge;).

But deep down, it comes down to one question: did Joseph Smith, a young boy confused by the many conflicting views and sects of christianity, go to the woods to pray for guidance? Did Heavenly Father reveal to him that He (god) would restore to the earth the gospel as it was in Jesus's times, that he would restore a line of communication so that his children could seek his guidance directly? Is God still communicating and clarifying about things that Christianity and the world as a whole has been debating and wondering about for 2000 years? Are all my experiences on earth a part of some great plan of happiness, learning and growth?

If it is true, then there is no turning back for me, no matter if I'm feeling a little rebellious or not. If I thought it were false, believe me, I'd happily throw on a tank top, start smoking pot, and sleep in on Sundays.
But I do think it is true, so deeply that if I think deeply about it at all, those things I am tempted by actually hold no appeal for me. Believing is not a decision I have made lightly or in ignorance; I've spent my whole life questioning, studying and researching but in the end I always come back to the same conclusion, no matter how hard I look for a loophole that would allow me to forget my eternal potential.

I could never think for a moment that this beautiful world exists, that my beautiful baby was formed and given to me, that things fall together the way they do, without a loving supreme being (who happens to have a perfect mastery of science and physics). I could never believe that a loving Heavenly Father would stop giving us revelation when the original apostles died, or that his entire guidance for us could be contained in any any single book of scripture, or held by only a few chosen people.
As much as I sometimes would like to, I cannot deny the gospel of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. And I know that when I follow those beliefs, I'm the best and the happiest Jen I can be.

Oh, I have some new pictures from before Easter of Daniel in his Easter Outfit, and some of us playing in his highchair: